{ my stained glass glasses}

i go to church in a beautiful, old church. i really love starting my sunday mornings off going to church, but every now and then, we go to the evening service.

and when we go at this time, a little miracle happens. the angle of the setting sun coming through the old stained glass changes everything. it feels like it would be impossible for anything to be ugly in the illuminating light. somehow, i can't help but feel more aware of the presence of the lord. of the light around me, of the light coming from the one sitting beside me.

but.

what if my glasses were made out of that very same beautiful, light changing glass?

well.

i would get real pissed off.

because it would mess me up. it would seem foggy. and the colors of the world around me would be all janky. and there would be no narrative through my stained glass glasses. just a jumble of obscure shapes and lines getting in the way of my daily, very important business.

and it would likely make me very, very cranky.

today i had a stained glass glasses day. i was in my apartment, hot and alone, sitting on the floor counting shoes. and then i worked on the Sseko website, trying to do stuff that I don't know how to do on a computer that seems to have a personal vendetta against me. i swear in the hissing of his motor i hear him whispering "...haaa haaaa haaaaa. gottttt yooouuuuu thisssssss time, sssssssuuuuucccka...."

and i get stuck. suddenly, donning my stained glass glasses, my dreams become discolored specks that are getting in the way. if pursuing your dreams is this boring and frustrating, well, no thanks, i guess. this is not grand. nor satisfying, really. it is boring and my computer is breaking and my apartment is hot and what!?! is that a fruit fly? oh shit. i hate fruit flies. i wish i had an office. and someone to do this with me. clearly i had some delusions about what "pursuing your dreams" and trying to "do something meaningful" meant. because sometimes it sucks. this, all of this, not in the job description. oh wait, i was supposed to write the job description and i got distracted thinking, "what if humans had the same eye to face ratio as bugs?" and never made it to that task. so the fact that this was not in the non-existent job description is really my fault too.

and then i remember that the most beautiful stained glass in the world all looks pretty much the same when you are nose to nose with it.

and maybe the nose to nose days makes the days where you get a peak at the whole wall of the breathtaking beautiful story of glass much sweeter.

{a jam packed couple of weeks}

i made it past the 14 day mark without another bout of malaria.

we celebrate.

a baby is born in a pig trough and saves humanity.

we celebrate.

the love of my life asks me to be his wife.

we celebrate.

lots of wonderful things and lots of celebrating going on...and in the midst of it all...

i stop blogging because i am busy celebrating.

but also because i discover that i am a little passive aggressive and decide not to blog until God decides to talk to me like he did when i lived in Africa. (or until i read a rather serious sounding threat from Kate about updating blogs...)

I talk about adjusting back to America and how it was easier for me than perhaps for many because...(getting ready for this bomb of self-righteousness) I have a pretty good grasp on humanity. Now, before I make you so nauseous that you punish me with the power of that little red sphere in your FireFox menu known as the 'close button', hear me out...

I think there is something, buried deep under this self righteous delusion that bears some weight. I really believe that the deeper we seek to experience humanity in any culture, time or place, the more glaringly obvious the commonalities of the human experience will become. When we experience life and those around us only on a surface level, what we know of life and those around us it is intrinsically and inextricably linked to the culture we experience this in.

But it seems to me that when we experience deep joy, earth-shattering mourning, insatiable greed and unfathomable generosity in ourselves and those around us, the easier it is to find those very same things in the people that make up the worlds that seem so far away in every other respect. As I look back at some of my first thoughts during my time and Africa, I find that I am more struck by the similarities than the differences. There is brokenness and there is healing. Things fall apart and things are restored. There is messiness. And there is redemption. And granted, where this happens often changes drastically what it looks like, but when we look beyond the cosmetic, it is not hard to see the same story taking place in a thousand different places, on a thousand different sets.

In understanding this, I believe that my " cultural transition" to and from was smoother than some. But after settling in and being proud of myself for my easy cultural transition, I am beginning to realize that there is another aspect of transitioning that is proving a bit more difficult...

I feel distant from the Lord. The idea of waking up early, so that I can carve out my "quiet time" to "be with the Lord" and "start my day off right" seems awkward and forced. Like inviting someone to a "coffee date" so you can "catch up" when you have been lying in bed with them all morning, giggling and maybe crying and sharing fears and dreams and life and a blanket.

Now, I am not saying that it is; that it is forced or fake or awkward to make intentional time for the Lord. There are so many people I know, and gosh I used to be one of them, that feel most connected to the Lord when they are intentional like this.

And I am sure, in fact I know, there are people all around me right now, living what looks to be a ho-hum life that are in constant conversation with the Lord. And this is me humbly admitting that maybe after 10 years of feeling like I would say this about myself, that I experience the Lord, even in the often mundaneness of life, I realized that that this connection pales to what it could be. It pales to what it was for me when I was in Africa. The idea of waking up early to pray while I was in Uganda seemed more foreign to me than it had before. Not because I didn't want to communicate with the Lord, but because I knew that I was going to. All day. Every day. Constantly wrestling with questions about his world and his children. Asking for the things I would need to get by. Seeing his beauty in the mess around me and singing his praises loud and off-key. Begging for wisdom, for guidance, for patience, for compassion, for strength.

And now I am home, and the questions are a little less pressing. The begging has turned into a guarded requests. The praises are quieted to cordial "Thank You"s. Where as I felt at times I couldn't shut the sound of Jesus out, I feel now the pressure to run around and quiet the world around me, to find a place, a time, a way, to hush myself and my world to hear him speak.

and he will.

perhaps the dialect will just be a bit different.

it took weeks to get used to hearing Ugandans say "You are welcome" and not feeling like I had to suppress the panicky urge to say "For what?" with fear that I was rudely blind to a kind gesture that required a "Thank you" when in reality they simply meant what they were saying: "You are welcome." In my home. In this place. In my life.

i guess some things just take getting used to. and then one day it is hard to remember when it was still new, foreign, and maybe a little awkward.

{my new life}

(before i say anything. i need to confess my first brilliant thought as i woke up this morning:

"Quick Liz! Come up with a riddle. Ready set go!"

My first attempt:

Question: Mork and Mindy, origins of a human life, my eating habits. What do these things have in common? Answer: Eggs!

Man, then i woke up a little bit more and realized how incredibly bizarre my brain is and hurried out of bed because i was uncomfortable laying in bed with someone that weird.)

Moving on.
My day so far:
-Wake up
-Come up with bizarre, not clever riddle
-Do some sewing for the sample sandals
-Work on design for Sseko website
-Get distracted and work on various other Photoshop projects
-Research import/export laws
-Get blurry-eyed on my computer and go back to sewing
-Think about moving to local coffee shop to do my research ...and to make me feel a little better about myself.
-Decide against driving in the freezing rain
-Research Fair Trade certification
-Convert my mom's living room into a photo studio and take some product shots
-Call Jonathan and talk about the website and why what I want to do probably won't work
-Work on some copy for the website
-Eat Fritos and English Toffee for lunch
-Take a break to change out of onesie pajamas and take a shower.

(Meanwhile have the National Geographic Channel playing in the background...except for a brief interlude when I watched John and Kate Plus 8 and officially decided against reproducing. Ever.)

-G-Chat with Africa friends
-Try to learn a little bit about search engine optimization
-Research books online that I should read that will teach me how to start a small business
-Think about trying to find hidden Christmas presents, just to be naughty
-Wait until hair dries to avoid hairsicles to go to library to find books to help me not FAIL

Just wanted to share a glimpse into the life of one homeless, jobless me.

thanks for indulging me.

{ media mania }

one:
it may be presumptuous to assume that anyone is still reading this. after all, i am back in good ole Missouri, which means all my sexy world travelerness has worn off.

(what has also worn out (PRAISE THE LORD) is the faint stench of feet all over my body that i was beginning to think was permanent)

two:
back in America. and i feel like i have a moral obligation to start complaining about how overwhelming and evil American media is.

right?

isn't that what most good returning from the 3rd world journeyers do? we complain about commercialism and the media and suburbs and such.

well. i will not succumb to these expectations put before me by my fellow pious comrades. i happen to have a new appreciation for our media. that appreciation is almost entirely directed towards the National Geographic Channel. i have never been much of a TV lover. in fact, i got a little bit of heat for not knowing how to work the TV in our house the last semester of college.

BUT, i think that was because i had no idea this little treasure existed. try it. it might keep you up all night too, as you stay tuned to learn what in fact could have possibly caused the ginormous wale to explode in the middle of a crowded street in Taiwan. or perhaps understand the mystery of the shroud.

(that reminds me of one of my ALL TIME FAVORITE headlines in the New Vision, the official newspaper in Kampala. giggle with me. the headline read:

"YESTERDAY, (Random African Name) CLAIMED THE BIBLE IS NOT TRUE. MUSEVENI ASSIGNS TOP SCHOLARS TO INVESTIGATE"

So, if in fact you have been wondering about the veracity and validity of the Holy Bible, hang on just a bit, because Museveni (the president of Uganda) has his top scholars on it. we should hear the results any day here... )

moving on.

more media love... iTunes U. thats right. virtual university. if you didn't know this, you can get on the iTunes store and download (FOR FREE) lectures from universities around the country. so if you, like me, are going through university withdraw, you can get your fix there.

now another portion of my new love for new media is for Facebook. thats right. i said it. and i know that as a recent college grad, now is the time where i should start denouncing Facebook (even while spending the same amount of time secretly e-stalking old middle school flames...)

anyways ... i was looking for a web designer to help with the new Sseko website. so, i thought i would journey down a new path for me, and changed my Facebook status to "looking for a web designer..."

my first response arrived in my email inbox 1 minute and 36 seconds after posting.

wowzer. i mean, lets be honest. Facebook is like the local parish soccer team phone tree...on crack.

ah, home sweet home.

{p.s.}

in celebration of lightning fast internet...i just updated my flick'r account. finally.

well.

a couple of things:

i kind of gave up on blogging.

and i am home.

really, it is pretty sad, but the last couple of weeks of my stay was just so so busy, that poor little bloggy got left in the African dust.

i am not a goodbye crier. i never have been. i mean, don't get me wrong, i get sad when i say goodbye to people i love, but it is an emotion that rarely elicits wetness from the eyes.

i cried all day Tuesday. literally, could not stop crying. i woke up this morning, in the coldness of the Missouri winter (rocking my one-piece pajamas, mind you) with a little ache in my heart for Uganda.

there are so many people here i am excited to see. and i am realizing that those people are "home" to me. because outside the anticipation of seeing the ones i love, i don't feel any relief about setting foot back in America. the roads are amazing. it is so clean. i ate triscuits and cream cheese and chocolate last night. took a really long, really hot shower. my email loaded in a matter of seconds. and it was all great. but i am surprised by myself. i don't have a feeling of coming home. although it was only a matter of months, that world became my home.

i am looking for something to do now. i am wandering around a little aimlessly this morning, slowly unpacking, making my way over to my computer every so often to watch videos of little Vianey dancing and posing for the camera.

as for now, i am going to take the next couple of weeks to enjoy the cold and Christmas and to see everyone that i have quite missed.

then I am off to figure out how to run a small business, American style. I anticipate that this season of the business adventure will be quite different here in the states than it was back in the U.G. For one, no more riding boda bodas to my business meetings. and I may have to swap in my Chacos for some more professional looking business attire. I am excited to share more about the business...or business-to-be, rather. i really want you all to be a part of this, whatever that may look like.

if you are within a couple hour radius of STL, expect to see me on your doorstep soon. if you are lucky, i will still be in my onesie pajamas.

love you all.

{don't worry...I am not delusional...}

...and under the impression that anyone out there is waiting on pins and needles for my next posting.

however, i will take the opportunity to hang a theoretical "gone fishing" sign on my blog door.

i will be out of commission for the next week or so.

i don't know if you have heard, but it turns out i am dating a contestant for most neatest, wonderful boy ever.

and he is coming to see me.

here.

in Africa.

is this my life???

(this is me shaking my head "yes" silently mouthing, with a srcunched up nose "ohhhhhh yeeeeaaaahhhh.")

*and yes. this occasion warranted a shower before the standard five-day mark. ooooh baby.*